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we sat on the steps in union squarish. jen had coffee and i just had her cigarettes cos my wallet wont let me splurge on simple pleasures. and then i started being quiet and starred into a huge macys building that wasnt very interesting so jen asked me why i was "being emo" which is a euphemism for "mai why are you feeling lonley and sad and thinking about someone and thinking about the past when you were loved and how nice it was that you felt like someone cared and now youre alone and you hate it and why are you thinking about how shitty it is to always return to this state of mind." but i told her i wasnt cos thats what i do. but eventually we got to talking about love and relationships and the irony that i bet 80% of the people in the world were thinking about and talking about at the same time. and its impossible to understand why the things we overanalyze and want and need to feel whole are so hard to find and if we do by chance find them, why they leave in the worst way and end up hurting way more in the long run. and we agreed that no matter how much you talk about it or how much you think you learn from something, when it comes down to it, you cannot control your feelings or anyone elses feelings for that matter. its a shame it really is. and i can tell myself that i will not attach myself emotionally to anyone, and its really a nice idea, but like most things that are ideal, its really just a lie produced to make all the close 2nds look like shit.

its just too hard to be disappointed. to wait for a moment that wont come. to hold onto something you think is real but is nothing.

and tonight we went to the top of cesear chavez where i attempted to formulate sane thoughts and piece together my emotions in order to come to some rational conclusion that i dont need to be loved to be happy. what a joke. i could here my friends talking and laughing through the music and i could smell the sweet smell of pot. and as i laid there i could feel the gusty winds and i would have been cold only i was feeling so much inside that my skin just became another ignored organ. and i again was smoking a cigarette and i could feel my stomach and lungs deflating and in the interest of my head, i wasnt getting any oxygen. id rather feel light headed than completely concrete and natural because that would just be too much in the presence of people who are stoned.

and im sorry it gets so redundant to tell people that youre lonely. i dont think id feel so lonely if i had never felt truly loved. and after you feel truly loved, its a long road of disappointment. and really, no one wants to hear it because you know they are feeling the same thing too.